Would you really want to know?

I hesitated to write about this mainly because I wouldn't want anyone to worry. And then I decided: it's something any other woman could be faced with at/around my age. And as for sweet Georgia, my health history becomes hers and that's another reason to record this here.

This last doctor's appointment, I asked about mammograms and when I should start having them (great marketing piece in the lobby - or else I honestly wouldn't have thought about it since I'm still 18 in my mind). She spoke as if no sense of real urgency - just when I turn 35. I said - so within the next year? She thought about my chart and with an 'ah-ha' look on her face said..well, yea..in the next year unless you have a history of breast cancer in your family. I said well both grandmothers have had it.

She then got a bit more inquisitive and asked at what age. I thought hard and couldn't remember, but knew I could ask my mom immediately after the appointment. She shared with me a new test they can perform - a gene test. They take bloodwork to see if you carry the gene to make you more likely to have breast or ovarian cancer. We very casually discussed how I should get tested next time I come in - just to know. Of course I agreed - why not? Of course I'd want to know.

It's been a week since the blood was drawn and sent off. I'm not sure I want to know.

I was hit this weekend with a pretty definitive thought...that makes me think I don't want to know.

I asked my doctor what do women do who find out they are positive for the gene? She told me of two scenarios. One woman who's mother, sisters, grandmothers, etc. had breast cancer and some didn't survive, had a double mastectomy and hysterectomy....at 34 years old. I'm 34 years old. Another woman whose grandmothers had breast cancer - the doctor decided it best that she be examined each year more closely - MRI along with mammogram and ultrasound for ovaries. This second scenerio, since it's closest to mine, made me feel somewhat more comfortable.

Until a week later.

I'm not sure I'm capable of handling the information that I have a higher probability of fighting cancer than the general population. If I don't know, then I continue to do the yearly exams like normal and face the same wonder/worry that each and every person faces. If I do find out, and let's say - am positive - I face each exam with the more intense worry of 'is this the year?' If it's positive - would I live life more fully? I like to think I live life to it's capacity now. If it's positive - would I rush the second child before being faced with the potential of treatments and surgeries? Would I try to consciously intervene in a plan that I haven't made? Only He has made. But how would I resist myself?

If I don't find out and know my blood has been sent off for the test...I might always wonder. If/when it comes back negative and I agree to hear the news..I'll feel a sense of relief. The back and forth of finding out or not finding out feels urgent. I'm sure the processing of blood work is imminent.

So I ask...would YOU really want to know? Would you want to know if you carried the gene?