Mistakes are proof you're trying.....

 Georgia,

It's month 86 of the pandemic or so it feels....and we've spent a lot of extra time together. You're at home doing virtual school and I'm at home working full-time. You have been SO flexible during all of this change and such a great student; it's Mommy who feels I had more than I imagined to learn. 

I've yelled a lot  - more than I ever thought I would. I've always considered myself patient. 

I've hovered  - more than I thought was possible.

I've withdrawn even during 'easy moments' for simply wanting a break.

All the while, my intentions were to be the best 24 hour mom for you that I knew how; okay, again...an exaggeration - we do still sleep, but the BEST full-time mom to you. It's all I've ever wanted to be for you and Preston. But guess what? I make mistakes too.

I wanted to capture the conversation we had tonight somewhere and here's where I've turned. You're 8 and are at track out camp this week - tonight you had dance at 5:15. I wrote a note in your lunchbox that you should get dressed at 4:45, I was picking you up between 5:00 - 5:05 and what time dance started - so that you could be responsible for having yourself ready. 

I was there to pick you up at 5:05 and your teacher said you were just - now - changing - into - dance - clothes. 

I had a choice - I could be mad or I could go with the flow. After attending some parenting seminars lately,  as luck would have it, I chose the latter. 

You came down with your shoes half on, hands full of all your stuff - you were clearly trying to rush to the car. You jumped in and wanted to explain that you had gotten caught up in playing and that's why you were getting dressed late. And then you said it, "Mommy, I hope that you aren't mad." 

I hadn't given you any indication I was, but we both know that's my go-to reaction these days; remember, I had decided I was going with the flow. Okay, I did ask why your shoes were half on because it looked like a twisted ankle waiting to happen if you ask me. 

I said, "No, sweetie. I'm not mad. This is the first or second time I've asked you to be responsible for the time and I think you did a good job." We both discussed how next time, you'd try again. 

After dance class, I was curious how that conversation had landed so I asked "Georgia, how did it make you feel when Mommy didn't get mad about you being a few minutes late before dance?" And I hope your response stays with me forever: "You mean? Well..it made me feel like I...like I didn't ruin the world." 

<gut punch>

I said calmly, "Well, good sweetie - cause you could never ruin the world" And I went onto say that I'm sorry if I've ever made her feel that way and that I will continue to try and manage my response to her learning how to grow up, wanting independence and naturally...making mistakes. 

Oh sweetie, if you only knew....my love for you runs so deep. I want you to grow up self-aware, confident, capable and resilient and I will continue to work on my parenting to make sure I'm properly guiding you in that direction. You haven't ruined anything darling; you are wonderfully and beautifully made and it's my job to make sure you can see it that way too. 

I love you more, 

Mommy

Your lil Bro, Preston.

GA,
Your little bro, "Presto", has become such a great addition to our lives that I have to write about him a bit here, sweet peach.

He's 2.5 years old right now and likes to talk at a volume of 11+. He screams and/or grunts most things. However, the good thing is that he's doing it out of wanting to entertain us. He's a happy dude most days. And his wanting to entertain us comes directly from YOU. He watches you. He listens to you. He ADORES you. He wants to be just like you, Georgia.

And the most adorable thing is that you.like.him.too. You don't mind him around. You don't mind watching "his" shows or playing with his toys. You'll also share "your" toys most days. You LOVE teaching him and helping him. And you are Mommy's biggest helper.

We've been going to church the last few weeks and there is a playspace you guys enjoy going to afterwards. It's similar to a Chick-fil-A or McDonald's space with levels to climb before you get to the slide as a reward. At church, Preston isn't tall enough to reach each climb, but you so  patiently and so adamantly lift him between each rung so that he gets to each level. That might not sound like a lot until I tell you, there are a gazillion kids climbing past you, independently, to get to the slide. They aren't giving a care for anyone but themselves. And you, YOU are making sure your lil bro gets to the reward at the top at the same.time.you.do. It melts my heart every time. You could easily breeze by him and run with friends your age, but you don't. You help him get to the reward too when he can't on his own.

Preston, you're a beautiful mess. You snuggle my neck. You give kisses. You wipe my kisses off (yet I've decided you're rubbing them in). You tell me when you're ready for a nap. You tell me when you "don't like" or "no want." You LOVE riding in "Big Chevy" and even "Honda." You're decent in school, sitting still to learn is not your favorite, but you have teacher fans and friends. :) You LOVE your Daddy these days and your Papas. You LOVE the men folk and you cry tremendously when you have to leave them.

Presto, you are beyond a blessing. You complete us. You are full of personality and we love you. You teach us daily, 'you are who you are" and for that and more....we thank you Big Guy.

My Birthday Wish for You...

On the night before you turn 6, my birthday wish for you...is that you'll keep wishing. Never.stop.wishing, my love. Your dreams can and will come true. 

(side note: I know you don't believe me at this current juncture because you've wished for a kitten for a solid 2 years now and well, it hasn't happened. I'll explain when you're older :)). 

My birthday wish for you is that you'll never lose your sense of humor. Georgia, you are funny without truly knowing just how funny. You speak in commercials sometimes, literally. Your list for Santa this year included toy names with an added "batteries not included" at the end of each one. It took your dad and I a second to realize what you were saying, but then we got it - you were repeating the commercial. And speaking of commercials, you know a bit too much about digestive health and microfiber mops than I ever did at your age; I guess Nick Jr. knows moms and dads are watching too! Go figure. In the recent weeks, you've started personifying your #2 - that's right. His name is Bob. You know I'm not a fan of potty talk, but I can't help but laugh with this one. And then the other week you came home saying 'yo' at the end of everything and claimed you thought it was short for 'you.' That was a fun conversation trying to explain to you why you shouldn't speak to adults that way. But you know? You're a hoot, yo! What can I say?  

My birthday wish for you is that you'll always be kind. You are typically more than willing to introduce yourself to others when you walk into a room and don't know anyone. You're also first to rush to someone's aid; a friend is hurt, you're there checking them out. We've talked about hurtful words and how everyone is made differently; you typically repeat this insight to me as if you get it at your young age. When your brother is screaming his head off because he wants the toy you have, on most days, you turn it over or go find something else to offer him. Either way, you always like to make sure he's happy. 

My birthday wish for you is that you'll keep your confidence. You sing and dance. You love gymnastics. You've taught yourself a cartwheel this year and just blew us away. You are such a great reader, writer and story teller. You carry on conversations with adults like it's your job. When I went on a recent field trip with you, all of your friends wanted you to be next to them in the picture. You seemed to me a leader and I hope that sticks, sweet peach.

My final birthday wish darling is that when  you look back on this ONE childhood you have that you know with all your being how much your Daddy and I love you. We both want you to live FULL OUT - full out with love, with joy, with strength and bravery. And we know that the foundation to do those things starts here, at home. We want nothing more than for YOU to be who YOU want to be and let us hang along for the ride. 

You are my sunshine, Georgia. And I love you so.

Mom

My 5 Year Old

Oh, Georgia.

I had such emotions leading up to the day that you would enter kindergarten. I felt like I was 'releasing you to the wild.' I pictured that long corridor you would walk down, without me after that first day, and it felt excruciating. I'm not exaggerating and wish I was. When you read this you will think I'm being dramatic. But let me tell you this...

"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body." -Emily Stone

And let me also tell you this....

You are the strongest, most courageous, most generous, compassionate, friendly HEART I have ever known.

You entered kindergarten with confidence and love. You are such a good girl who loves to listen, learn and follow direction...most days :) One of the first things your teacher brought to my attention was how she couldn't get mad at you, but you'd raise your hand, which is what she asked you to do, but only to tell her..."I love you." :)

You LOVE giving love.

You come home on the daily telling us what you've learned. One of the first conversations that blew me away was your asking us if we knew the difference between mammals and fish. You then proceeded to correctly identify mammals and fish and explain the difference. A few months later it was math; counting has been your favorite and more recently it's been addition.

You LOVE to share what you've learned.

When you're feeling those big emotions; choking back tears, trying to be strong, or so angry at mommy that you scream...we talk through them. It's okay to feel the feelings; everyone has them. It's how you handle yourself through them that mommy and daddy want to coach you through. And we have good conversations through these times.

You LOVE to share how you're feeling.

Georgia, you are my first motherly love. We're experiencing this one life together....in real-time. We're already seeing how we won't always agree. You will make me angry and I will do the same for you. And neither of us are perfect; no such thing. However, you can rest assured I love you bigger, more unconditionally, more fully than you will ever know...until you have kids have of your own.

Thank you for being so brave, so funny, so snuggly, so obedient, so eager. We love you darling.

Mom

Mindfulness

Georgia,

This is a big one. This is a big word. I'm 38 and I'm just now wrapping my head around what it means to be mindful.

I had heard it as an adolescent, I'm sure..."be mindful of your actions," "be mindful of what you say to others," and "be mindful of the way you respond."

But the type of mindfulness I want to expose you to early on is this:  a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations...

Sweetie, mindfulness is one of those things that will help you through the insanely hard times. When you find yourself reflecting on the past and worried about the future, you MUST bring yourself to the present. It's why it's called the present. Because it's a gift:

“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is a gift of God, which is why we call it the present.” 
― Bil Keane

What does mindfulness look like to Mommy? I'm still learning so bear with me, but darling....

When my thoughts of worry, sadness, anxiety, fear, etc. won't jump off the hamster wheel...mindfulness is recognizing those feelings for what they are. Literally, saying to myself "this is just anxiety..." and once recognized it feels less paralyzing.

Mindfulness is having an hour to spend with you and your brother and me putting down my phone or telling someone we can have that conversation later and engaging in whatever activity you want me to engage in. Whether it's chasing Preston around the house because it makes him laugh uncontrollably or it's helping you build a zip line for your Barbie because I absolutely love seeing your creativity at work.

Allowing my mind and my heart to be right there in that moment with you is mindfulness and what is ultimately healthy and healing for my soul.

And sweetie, it's a practice. They call it a practice because I'm not going to be perfect at it 100% of the time. However, now that I'm aware of what it is and how to accomplish it...I will continue to craft this practice. For you, for me, for Preston and for Daddy.

I know this is deep and I have no idea when I'll give you access to these thoughts of mine, but I try to record what matters to me in hopes you can feel warmth from it, love from it, reflect on it, and learn from it.

I love you most,
Mommy

What I want you to know about building relationships...

Sweet peach,

As you grow up, adults will always ask you questions. How was your day? What was your favorite part of the trip? How is school? Who is your boyfriend? What do you want to be when you grow up?

You're engaging, you're social, you're interesting, and adults love hearing from you.

There will be a time in your life when you loathe answering questions from adults. And there will be a time in your life when you feel the world must revolve around you because of how interested the adults are in your life.

Let me gently share this....

Adults DO love hearing from kids and tapping into their minds. But sweetie, to build relationships yourself, YOU have to ask the questions.

You have to be interested in learning about another person whether they are family or friend. Just because they are family doesn't mean you know them well. Take the time, ask your questions, get to know them...just like you would do any.other.friend.

And darling, if you and  your brother grow up with different interests and different opinions don't let that keep you from building and nurturing the relationship with him. The love you have for each other will ALWAYS be mutual because you're siblings, but it will be a lot more fun along the way if you know and like each other as friends as well. And to be friends, you have to ask questions to learn who he is.

Don't assume someone else will ask the questions because that's what happened throughout your youth. You want to become the one who asks questions. There is so much value and gratitude in the more you learn about the people you surround yourself with and especially family.

Make an effort my darling. Be a good friend by not only extending  yourself, but learning more about those you surround yourself with. Everyone likes to be asked questions, to be cared about and to be considered. Be the one who asks the questions.

I love you Georgia,
Mom

Putting one foot in front of the other...

We may not go to church every Sunday, but leaning on my Faith is all I know to do at a time like this, Georgia. And listening to music gives me peace, helps me find the words to talk to God and gives me GREAT comfort.

"Oh, my soul
Oh, how you worry
Oh, how you're weary, from fearing you lost control
This was the one thing, you didn't see coming
And no one would blame you, though
If you cried in private
If you tried to hide it away, so no one knows
No one will see, if you stop believing

Oh, my soul
You are not alone
There's a place where fear has to face the God you
know
One more day He will make a way
Let Him show you how, you can lay this down
'Cause you're not alone"

-Casting Crowns (one of my favorites, sweet peach)

Here's what else I know about coping in this unimaginable time of heartache:

You must be mindful. What does that mean?
It means, when your mind goes to the 'what if' or your mind reflects on 'what was' you MUST pull yourself into the present.

Listen for the birds singing. Look for the person you can hold the door for. Respond with a pleasant greeting to the person who just greeted you.

Be mindful. Appreciate the day you are given.

Secondly, understand that experiencing joy is okay. Laughing is okay.

Just this past week our family got the most joy out of a .25 cent bouncy ball, a box for an oversized chair, and an impromptu dance party. The laughter that filled this house was immeasurable and just the medicine my soul needed.

If you find yourself in pain, in heartache, don't ignore the joyful things around it.

Life is going to knock you down. It's not a matter of if - it will. And it's how you get up and respond to it that matters.

Your daddy and I love you dearly and we will try as we may to cushion your fall, but you will fall. That's life.

But you get up sweet peach, no matter how hard it may feel, and you stand up again...putting one.foot.in.front.of.the.other until you realize you don't have to think about it so much anymore. It may take awhile. Be patient. Have faith. And know...you're not alone.

All my love,
Mom