I CAN'T take it.
I think I may need meds.
And I'm only 8 months in.
Is this feeling here to stay?
When I see the sad story of the baby fighting for his life or worse..the one who didn't make it...my heart and stomach ache with such intensity - like never before. I just can't take it. I try to explain it to Bill, and as wonderful as he is, we've categorized it as "my heightened level of empathy..now that I'm a mom."
But seriously?! When does this let up? I'm afraid the answer is never.
It's on Facebook - the stories with a catrillion thousand likes and comments. It's in the news - the 14 year old that got hit at her bus stop. A friend of a friend whose child's friend went missing. It doesn't matter that I don't know them - it's like I do - because it could be ... my Georgia.
I don't want to live life in fear and I certainly don't want to helicopter her out of fear. I truly don't feel fearful. But the intensity of the empathy I feel for other parents is sometimes overwhelming. I can't imagine if it was...my Georgia. I can't imagine..if it was our child.
Bill and I are so blessed and so thankful. We were gifted, by the grace of God, with an easy, healthy baby. After the exhaustion of the first few months wore off, I spent the next few months nervous. Just nervous that her health and her easy going ways were too good to be true. I wondered when it would turn around. And here we are..trucking right along...and all is well - no turning around. Everything is good. Everything is great.
I guess it's what being a mom is all about. I just hope my heart is up for it. And little does Georgia know the agonizing I'll do. She'll wonder why we don't let her go to Cancun for spring break or why we insist she wear a helmet snow skiing. She'll wonder why we make her take self defense class or learn how to run.
I've been given this gift and I'm aware others are in waiting. Or worse, in mourning. I'm not taking this task lightly. Not for a second. I think about being her mom every minute of every hour of every day.
We love you sweet peach.
Mom
Friday, March 29, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
I hope she'll feel whole...
As Easter approaches, the innocent question was posed to me with a smile from ear to ear: Do you have a basket and a dress for Georgia?
Insert large gulp.
No. I don't have a $65 floral, poofy and/or monogrammed dress for her. (Quick disclaimer: to those of you who do - I LOVE the pictures and your child is darlin. Really.) Nor a basket - she'll probably have an opinion on one next year.
The problem is: I'm cheap.
Let me go back to when the ultrasound tech said "It's a GIIIRL!" Keep in mind, a psychic had told me I was having a boy AND my hips didn't seem to be growing THAT wide so I thought FOR SURE I was having a boy. And for that boy I would only have to clothe him in shirt and pants and that was that. But when she said GIRL...I needed time. Time to process the bows, tights, patten leather shoes, tutus, magic wands, etc. that I'd have to buy just BECAUSE she was a girl.
I've sent her to baby school twice in a headband/bow. Once was because of pictures and the second was because...well, I hadn't done it in awhile (4 months to be exact). She has such fine hair and so little of it...I don't want the headband to wear a groove or displace what little hair she has. Silly I'm sure. I just hope she doesn't shoot me for the baby pictures she'll see...shirt and pants (mostly)...minus the accessories. I hope she feels whole in the absence of baby hair bows, head bands, and tutus. I hope she feels whole. :)
When she looks back at the holidays, she won't see a red velvet dress atop Santa's lap. Instead she'll see the 'spur of the moment' outfit we purchased because she blew out the first one, but that's another story (and the first one still wasn't the red velvet dress with the black tie around the waste).
And here we are at Easter and we're seeing my grandmother for lunch. Georgia - you'll probably be wearing your spring-iest top with bright yellow pants because that's what you're comfortable in and you've got mileage on that outfit. I hope you won't hate me for the one-time dresses I'm not willing to buy. They're cute. And for the record, your dad would buy them for you ...and the occasion...any day.
I just hope you'll feel whole :) when you look back without the foof and sateen.
Insert large gulp.
No. I don't have a $65 floral, poofy and/or monogrammed dress for her. (Quick disclaimer: to those of you who do - I LOVE the pictures and your child is darlin. Really.) Nor a basket - she'll probably have an opinion on one next year.
The problem is: I'm cheap.
Let me go back to when the ultrasound tech said "It's a GIIIRL!" Keep in mind, a psychic had told me I was having a boy AND my hips didn't seem to be growing THAT wide so I thought FOR SURE I was having a boy. And for that boy I would only have to clothe him in shirt and pants and that was that. But when she said GIRL...I needed time. Time to process the bows, tights, patten leather shoes, tutus, magic wands, etc. that I'd have to buy just BECAUSE she was a girl.
I've sent her to baby school twice in a headband/bow. Once was because of pictures and the second was because...well, I hadn't done it in awhile (4 months to be exact). She has such fine hair and so little of it...I don't want the headband to wear a groove or displace what little hair she has. Silly I'm sure. I just hope she doesn't shoot me for the baby pictures she'll see...shirt and pants (mostly)...minus the accessories. I hope she feels whole in the absence of baby hair bows, head bands, and tutus. I hope she feels whole. :)
When she looks back at the holidays, she won't see a red velvet dress atop Santa's lap. Instead she'll see the 'spur of the moment' outfit we purchased because she blew out the first one, but that's another story (and the first one still wasn't the red velvet dress with the black tie around the waste).
And here we are at Easter and we're seeing my grandmother for lunch. Georgia - you'll probably be wearing your spring-iest top with bright yellow pants because that's what you're comfortable in and you've got mileage on that outfit. I hope you won't hate me for the one-time dresses I'm not willing to buy. They're cute. And for the record, your dad would buy them for you ...and the occasion...any day.
I just hope you'll feel whole :) when you look back without the foof and sateen.
Thursday, March 21, 2013
Where do I start....
If I heard it once I heard it a gazillion times while pregnant - 'as soon as you meet her you will feel a love like no other. You'll be willing to step in front of a bus for her. It's amazing...so fulfilling.'
Well it didn't happen quite like that for me. I loved her, without question, yes! But quite honestly, my first thought upon seeing her was "she has light hair?" I then spent the next few days figuring out how to hold her while trying to nurse her while trying to get some sleep while trying to ask as many questions as I could think of while in the captive audience of numerous doctors. I felt more like I'd been HIT by a bus rather than my willingness to stand in FRONT of a bus for her.
Until the 6 week mark. At six weeks, we got a smile and almost immediately I was ready to stand in front of a bus. Take a bullet. The bond just grew and grew...I knew more about what she liked. I could soothe her like no other. And she was so dang cute - I was HONORED to be her mom. I was PROUD to call her my "daughter" and to be asked about my "daughter." It started to feel more REAL and less surreal that I was actually her mom. I actually got to keep her and she was stuck with me :)
Looking back, the weeks have turned into months. I can't believe she's 8 months old this week. And this blog has been burning in my soul for weeks now. I labored over its name. I thought 'too UNoriginal' and what if Willie Nelson comes after me? But truth is..I plan on writing this for me and for Georgia. And the title is PERFECT for where I'm at right now...Georgia is ALWAYS on my mind.
To my sweet Georgia Peach - I love thinking about you. I love talking about you. I love dreaming up things to do with you. I love deciding on things you'll NEVER do, things you MIGHT do, and things I WANT you to do (guilty as charged). I love thinking about your welfare - am I being a good mom, am I providing you enough, am I expanding your horizons enough, am I keeping you on track with your development enough? Am I being MOM enough? I think it's a constant question we'll ask ourselves and I hope .. in the long run...you say 'yes, mom'.
It's funny - being a mom. I've never felt more unsure and confident at the same time. I doubt myself, in this new mother role, a million times over and at the same time I think I'm rocking this being a mom thing. I think the struggle is because...in the long run...I hope you'll agree with the latter.
Georgia - my mom is one of my best friends. I can't thank her enough for WHY I am who I am and WHY I am where I am and WHY I want as much out of life as I do. She's the one I always want in my corner and also on the sidelines when we're just hanging out. I know our relationship wasn't always smooth sailing and I know you and I will go through those times too. I just hope we end up good friends.
I enjoy being a mom. I enjoy being one parent and a partner to Bill in this journey. We have laughed a lot thus far. We smile often. We count our blessings even more. Thank you Georgia for being our unimaginable. We'd step in front of a bus any day.
Well it didn't happen quite like that for me. I loved her, without question, yes! But quite honestly, my first thought upon seeing her was "she has light hair?" I then spent the next few days figuring out how to hold her while trying to nurse her while trying to get some sleep while trying to ask as many questions as I could think of while in the captive audience of numerous doctors. I felt more like I'd been HIT by a bus rather than my willingness to stand in FRONT of a bus for her.
Until the 6 week mark. At six weeks, we got a smile and almost immediately I was ready to stand in front of a bus. Take a bullet. The bond just grew and grew...I knew more about what she liked. I could soothe her like no other. And she was so dang cute - I was HONORED to be her mom. I was PROUD to call her my "daughter" and to be asked about my "daughter." It started to feel more REAL and less surreal that I was actually her mom. I actually got to keep her and she was stuck with me :)
Looking back, the weeks have turned into months. I can't believe she's 8 months old this week. And this blog has been burning in my soul for weeks now. I labored over its name. I thought 'too UNoriginal' and what if Willie Nelson comes after me? But truth is..I plan on writing this for me and for Georgia. And the title is PERFECT for where I'm at right now...Georgia is ALWAYS on my mind.
To my sweet Georgia Peach - I love thinking about you. I love talking about you. I love dreaming up things to do with you. I love deciding on things you'll NEVER do, things you MIGHT do, and things I WANT you to do (guilty as charged). I love thinking about your welfare - am I being a good mom, am I providing you enough, am I expanding your horizons enough, am I keeping you on track with your development enough? Am I being MOM enough? I think it's a constant question we'll ask ourselves and I hope .. in the long run...you say 'yes, mom'.
It's funny - being a mom. I've never felt more unsure and confident at the same time. I doubt myself, in this new mother role, a million times over and at the same time I think I'm rocking this being a mom thing. I think the struggle is because...in the long run...I hope you'll agree with the latter.
Georgia - my mom is one of my best friends. I can't thank her enough for WHY I am who I am and WHY I am where I am and WHY I want as much out of life as I do. She's the one I always want in my corner and also on the sidelines when we're just hanging out. I know our relationship wasn't always smooth sailing and I know you and I will go through those times too. I just hope we end up good friends.
I enjoy being a mom. I enjoy being one parent and a partner to Bill in this journey. We have laughed a lot thus far. We smile often. We count our blessings even more. Thank you Georgia for being our unimaginable. We'd step in front of a bus any day.
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