Georgia,
It's month 86 of the pandemic or so it feels....and we've spent a lot of extra time together. You're at home doing virtual school and I'm at home working full-time. You have been SO flexible during all of this change and such a great student; it's Mommy who feels I had more than I imagined to learn.
I've yelled a lot - more than I ever thought I would. I've always considered myself patient.
I've hovered - more than I thought was possible.
I've withdrawn even during 'easy moments' for simply wanting a break.
All the while, my intentions were to be the best 24 hour mom for you that I knew how; okay, again...an exaggeration - we do still sleep, but the BEST full-time mom to you. It's all I've ever wanted to be for you and Preston. But guess what? I make mistakes too.
I wanted to capture the conversation we had tonight somewhere and here's where I've turned. You're 8 and are at track out camp this week - tonight you had dance at 5:15. I wrote a note in your lunchbox that you should get dressed at 4:45, I was picking you up between 5:00 - 5:05 and what time dance started - so that you could be responsible for having yourself ready.
I was there to pick you up at 5:05 and your teacher said you were just - now - changing - into - dance - clothes.
I had a choice - I could be mad or I could go with the flow. After attending some parenting seminars lately, as luck would have it, I chose the latter.
You came down with your shoes half on, hands full of all your stuff - you were clearly trying to rush to the car. You jumped in and wanted to explain that you had gotten caught up in playing and that's why you were getting dressed late. And then you said it, "Mommy, I hope that you aren't mad."
I hadn't given you any indication I was, but we both know that's my go-to reaction these days; remember, I had decided I was going with the flow. Okay, I did ask why your shoes were half on because it looked like a twisted ankle waiting to happen if you ask me.
I said, "No, sweetie. I'm not mad. This is the first or second time I've asked you to be responsible for the time and I think you did a good job." We both discussed how next time, you'd try again.
After dance class, I was curious how that conversation had landed so I asked "Georgia, how did it make you feel when Mommy didn't get mad about you being a few minutes late before dance?" And I hope your response stays with me forever: "You mean? Well..it made me feel like I...like I didn't ruin the world."
<gut punch>
I said calmly, "Well, good sweetie - cause you could never ruin the world" And I went onto say that I'm sorry if I've ever made her feel that way and that I will continue to try and manage my response to her learning how to grow up, wanting independence and naturally...making mistakes.
Oh sweetie, if you only knew....my love for you runs so deep. I want you to grow up self-aware, confident, capable and resilient and I will continue to work on my parenting to make sure I'm properly guiding you in that direction. You haven't ruined anything darling; you are wonderfully and beautifully made and it's my job to make sure you can see it that way too.
I love you more,
Mommy
